Infant Loss

A Mother's Experience

 
Sitting her wondering how to start.  I'll just start. 
I had a daughter you know...did you know that?  A little girl, to complete our family.  My son and her would of been 6months apart.  How amazing, right. Perfect to knock both kids out before 30. Going through the same potty training with them together, same schooling and daycare. Would of been amazing.  
Again i say, I HAD a daughter.  I guess i still do, but since i can't hold her, love on her, teach her, see her grow...i then change it too...I Lost a Daughter. 
No one ever thinks they will have to experience what i did, and i don't ever wish it on any woman. 

10/17/2010
    A noticeable migraine that lingered for a day or so is never a good sign in pregnancy however i went into work, i wanted to get out of working but what am i gonna use...I'm pregnant i need to go home. I'm not the type of person to use that as an excuse.  One of my friends said i looked pale, but as bad as my migraine was I'm not surprised. popping the Tylenol didn't help either, something wasn't right. But headaches are normal in pregnancy, so i just need to rest.  
10/18/2010
    Got to work at 10am.  I still had a migraine. What is with this, maybe i should call my doctor to suggest what to do, because it was just not going away.  So i told my supervisor that on my break at Noon i was going to call.  Calling the advice nurse she said that i should come in and to possibly check my blood pressure.  I was on bed rest with my son due to blood pressure issues, so wasn't anything new to me.  Called my husband and told him that i will be going to the doctors just for a normal check up on my headache and call him after.  When i got there , they got me right in, strapped a band on my arm , it was way up there around  155/105  something like that.  Is that bad? i asked....i guess so. "Do you feel any different?" "When was the last time you felt your baby?"  hmmm, i didn't remember, i didn't do the 'Count the Kicks' because i was a "Pro" at pregnancy so why did i need to do that.  "I'm gonna tell the Baby Center at Southwest your going to make a stop there, they will want to check on your baby, it's routine...and might get you out of work for a week"  SWEET!  
Called my husband when i was done, "I'm gonna come by and pick you guys up , we have to go sit in the baby center "  he was not happy, since we had my son, it would make for a long visit, and since we had no one willing to watch him on a weeknight.  
3pm Southwest Hospital Baby Center
    "When was the last time you felt your baby"  OK now I'm concerned why everyone keeps asking me this.  Ummm, i think earlier today, don't remember.  But she's fine, i know i felt her.  They laid me in a room , small room, with a curtain and a sliding glass door. I have been here before, when i was pregnant with my son, so i knew what to expect...THE BELT!  The belt, if you don't know, is an uncomfortable belt like tool that has an indicator to listen to the babies heart beat.  Even though i hate the belt, i love what comes with it.  My baby girls heart.  But it never came.. they kept moving it around , Oh..there it is...no, that was my heart. they would move it again...I could see the concern in the nurses face, but she was trying to not show it.  That's when my mind went to another place, I'm not sure if my husband was going there with me...but at that moment , i knew what my body was warning me, this whole time.  The nurse reassured me "I'm going to go get the nurse that always seems to find the heartbeat" she was gone for along time, my husband was holding my hand , and i just turned my head and started crying "It's alright, they are going to find it" he said.  But i knew...something was off.
    The nurse came back after what seemed like a day,  she came in with the large ultrasound portable machine.  As she was searching around i just turned my head, i didn't want to see, because i knew... My son was still in the room with us, being a 1yr old, all i remember is that a nurse came in to take him to play in the nursery.  My husband was in more of sane mind then i was, so it must of been okay, since he let him go.  Still not looking at the screen, my husband asked "how accurate is this"  i remember the doctor saying that it's just a portable, not very accurate and we will be wheeled to the Ultrasound room.  The room where good news usually comes from, the room where you see your baby for the first time, the first pictures, the joy of finding out what bundle of joy you created...I was going to that room, and i knew it wasn't good. 
My husband held my hand , as they wheeled the bed down the hall, i felt a sense of embarrassment.  Going down the same hall with rooms lined up, little pictures of feet on blue and pink paper, one particular room with a blue and pink paper with two little feet prints. The room was dark and the ultrasound tech gently pulled up my gown exposing my 7month pregnant belly.  She didn't turn on the side monitor, my husband watched the monitor in front of her, i couldn't watch...i was in tears.  In a matter minutes she wiped off my tummy, pulled my gown down, picking up the phone she said "no"  I broke down.  I knew what that confirmed.  I lost my baby girl.  

To be continued...